Deserve

I have this really great friend - we love to debate like crazy (both of us say the bluntest things and laugh our heads off the whole time). One would think that we would have offended each other by now...yet we've been friends for years and our friendship just seems to get deeper and more opinionated ;p
This may have something to do with both of us being passionate ENTJ's ;) 

Anyways, a while back (sometime in February or March) we were texting right before I left for a trip. Life was very good, and some great things were happening. 
Like a good friend, she was pretty happy for me.
"You deserve this," she said.
Now the opinionated me disagreed with her (as normal). I was sure that I did not deserve what was happening in my life. 
It was just too good - I felt unworthy. 
I mean, seriously, who deserves anything good? Sometimes we observe some awesome, kind, loving people.  But we know that all fall short of the glory of God. All sin. All fail. All are in desperate need of a savior. 
We are all condemned. 
Thankfully, God loves us despite our horrid natures. And He provided a way to save us from the consequences of what we deserve.
But just because we've accepted His gift of love and forgiveness and redemption from hell doesn't mean that we are entitled to a good, peaceful, joyful life.
True: many of us He blesses with wonderful, amazing things. 
And many of us experience rich, fulfilling lives.
But we are not entitled to blessings. We do not deserve anything.
I did not deserve any of the great things happening in my life, despite God showering me with His love, despite my friends thinking I was sweet and kind and so ready for what was happening.
I was thankful to God.
I was in awe of how He had worked it all out.

It was pretty crazy...suddenly, with out my hand being involved, totally something arranged by not me. 
I mean, it was pretty amazing.
But I understood it was a blessing from God.
Not what God or anyone else owed to me.
Ironically enough (not in a funny way ;/) everything that I supposedly "deserved" fell through just a short while later.
And then I had to learn to act upon the truth I'd already accepted: God is good and blesses us for seasons. But He also may take us through rough times of change and uncertainty and pain.
And the blessings don't always follow the heartache.
Yet, God is good.
I deserve nothing less than His ultimate will. 
Whether it looks good or bad to outsiders.
Whether it looks like I deserve what is happening or not.
God is the one that payed for and owns my life.
And thus I deserve nothing at all for my own.
It's a humbling thought.
I mean, it would be amazing to live out my dreams.
It would be amazing to not have to hurt. To not experience evil, to understand some things, to live a life of only sunshine. 
To know that a sunset won't just be followed by darkness.
But that's not God's ways.

God's ways are hard - but He has detailed plans destined for a beautiful outcome, His outcome. I may not know what it will be. But I know even in my trials, He is overly merciful and loving toward me.
And least of all do I deserve this from Him. How could I deserve anything more???
No, I deserve nothing. And so, even in my tears, pain, and uncertainty I can say "Thank you, God!"