Is It Ladylike to Read Bad Words Aloud From a Book?

Manners and Morals #6

Women’s social I used to host in my home in Montana. We’d sew together, eat a home-cooked meal, and read literature

Hello Keturah,

What should a lady do when she's reading aloud and comes to a curse word? Is it ok to curse if you're quoting someone else?

Dear Reader,

Thank you for your question! This is something I thought of a lot as a young reader who was sensitive to swearing. Back then I’d take a sharpie to all my books with bad words. I only stopped doing that once I realized it devalued the book for resale (not that I plan to sale any of my books!) and that I could easily instead blank out the word mentally.

Words that Are Not Bad, but Have Become Unsavory to the Modern Reader

It is unladylike for a woman to utter any word that is vulgar or crude, whether she be saying it out of her own volition or reading it from a written text.

Generally speaking, if you wouldn’t use or write the word, you shouldn’t read it either. It’s also important to consider how these words will offend those to whom you’re reading regardless of whether you said it or a character you’re quoting said it.

Nevertheless, what constitutes a vulgar and crude word may be subjective from reader to hearer, especially in this modern-day age. There are many words I’d never say or read that others find harmless, and there are quite a few words that I read without a second thought that others find offensive, rude, or improper.

Let me be explicit.

I hosted a group of women in my home a couple years ago and I was reading to them from Jane Austen’s Northanger Abbey.

As soon as I said “ejaculations” out loud, one of my friends burst into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. I being quite naive at the time knew only that the word meant “excitedly” and did not realize how it now has nearly-exclusive sexual overtones. I was embarrassed that I might have said something quite improper, so quite red in the face, I later went and asked my then fiance about it. He reassured me that I had done nothing improper — my friend was merely revealing that she herself had read little literature, and perhaps had never opened a dictionary, but spoke and though in line with current cultural connotations.

Now that I am more aware of how completely decayed and depraved the modern vocabulary is, I’d respond differently to a friend laughing over an innocent word. I’d probably reach for my dictionary and show to her that the word doesn’t actually mean what she thinks it means, and that there is nothing funny or vulgar to Jane Austen.

Pejoratives

This includes the following words: gay, queer, bitch (if used in the proper sense), whore, slut, or any other descriptive word that means what the author meant for it to mean. These words are either harmless in dictionary meaning or are defamatory. Meaning, while it would be impolite to call your friend a whore, there is nothing wrong in reading descriptive words that convey the an ugly but true meaning about a historical person or fictional character.

Some of the words I just listed force us to enter controversial territory.

Racial Slurs

What do we do with racial slurs? What of nigger, guinea, and so forth? These are hardly any different from whore or slut to the mind of many modern readers. To such a point that entire classics such as Tom Sawyer or To Kill a Mockingbird are banned from schools, or some teachers are encouraged to omit the racial slurs if reading the books to a class. I personally am on the side of not omitting racial slurs when reading out loud. Depending on the context, these words are impolite, and it would be rude to use them against someone. But you aren’t trying to make the character you read less polite, you’re sharing what the author wrote about this specific character and their habits. They might not be an upright character — but it’s not our job to purge historical persons and characters of their “ugliness”. I’d make exceptions if I knew a word might trigger someone, but in my experience the only people who would be offended are those who are white, and they have no business getting triggered on the behalf of someone who doesn’t care.

Curse Words

I will not read actual cuss words from books. I will read hell or damn out loud if they are used in their proper context (to refer to hell or condemnation). I will also read ass if it is from the Bible or classical literature, not from most modern books. If I don’t want to bother with how a room might laugh at me over it, I may replace the word with donkey.

This is where you should use discretion and read the room before reading the book.

Here are a few choices when confronted with cuss words:

• Substitute the word for another. And by substitute, I don’t mean to encourage you to replace a bad word with a lesser bad word. Darn and dang mean the same thing as damn and are equally unladylike. If you must read something, say “Wow!” or “Ouch” or something equally mundane that fits the context. Feel free to create dialogue, too, that is harmless in meaning but suits the context.

• Omit the word entirely. Oftentimes a cuss word is just thrown on a page in such a way so as to be completely unnecessary. If you didn’t read it nobody would even know it had been there nor that you were skipping over it.

• Instead say, “He/she released a string of profanities” or simply, “He cursed”. Again, you can get creative with this without actually saying what was said, and often, if you read smoothly without a missing a beat, readers won’t even know that you are substituting dialogue tags for written dialogue.

I would make an exhaustive list of words that I’d advise you against reading, but I do believe such a list would be partially subjective. However, to be on the safe side, here are the main words I’d encourage you to refrain from using: the c-word, f-word, damn, and any derogatives, including dang, darn, fudge, etc. I also would never use the Lord’s name in vain, including any “replacements” such as gosh, golly, jeepers, etc — these are all slang versions of God and Jesus, and have identical meanings to the the words they represent. I extend this sentiment to the names of other gods, too. I won’t use or read any fictional gods’ name as curse word, neither would I use Allah or Zeus, or Hercules, etc, etc.

If you won’t use the word to swear by, don’t use the replacement word either.

Remember — this list is incomplete. While it is never ladylike to be crass or impolite, this can easily create many nuanced layers. This topic won’t end with cuss words, racial slurs, and pejoratives. If a book has too many references “bathroom humor” you may find yourself unable to both read this book out loud and retain your feminine dignity. With such in mind, you may find yourself saying defecate or urinate rather than poop or pee, or “releasing rude bodily noises” rather than “farting”.

I hope you find this helpful!

---

Manners and Morals is a series in which “Polite Company” readers have the opportunity to send me their questions and have them answered anonymously via an essay. If you have a pressing concern or curiosity about some interpersonal or theoretical drama, feel free to email me at keturahskorner(at)gmail(dot)com. Your information will remain confidential!

---

Polite Company is free to readers. However, if you appreciate this essay, you can buy me a coffee (or tea, book, skein of yarn, buttons, etc).

---