Manners and Morals: 005
Should I Accompany My Husband to Parties if it Makes Me Feel Icky
Manners and Morals is a series in which “Polite Company” readers have the opportunity to send me their questions and have them answered anonymously via an essay. If you have a pressing concern or curiosity about some interpersonal or theoretical drama, feel free to email me at keturahskorner(at)gmail(dot)com. Your information will remain confidential!
Hello, Keturah!
Thank you for your words and sharing your heart with us all.
As I was reading your last post, Manners and Morals, I found myself intrigued at how you see the world. I was raised more conservative Catholic, but my family's version of manners was much more the secular kind you describe.
I stopped when reading this section: "If something transpires to offend, and if it is no trifle, it can’t be allowed to let slide. Hopefully there is a mannerly man to do something about it. But there are fewer men able or willing than there are women in these circles, therefore it is left to the woman to take a vigorous stand to defend a wholesome appearance of beauty in all things. If it is slight, she may let it slide as long as it doesn’t affect the reputation of her dignity. Politeness in these situations is still of the utmost importance."
It reminded me of a situation...I have been married to my husband for 5 years. He is in the military and law enforcement, which I find has a unique culture. I love my husband so much. He takes good care of me, never swears or makes lewd jokes around me. However, I struggle to be around his group of work friends because they never seem to have anything to say other than sexual innuendo or swear words. The other wives are nice to me (although they mostly complain about how terrible their children are), but I seem to be the only one who really gets upset at any of it.
Is it rude of me to refuse to come to events? I do not want to embarrass my husband with coming off as prudish or ill-humored, but we have 3 boys and I do not want them in that type of environment either. My husband says that is just the culture, but I find it to be a weak excuse. I don't expect him to come sit with my group of friends and talk about Jesus (he is more agnostic), so is it poor etiquette to refuse to sit with his group of friends and laugh at phalluses? Or should I make an attempt to be present for the sake of the one I love?
Peace,
—
I really appreciate this question. I have been experiencing this sort of conundrum myself while on our travels. I was raised a teetotaler, and so, even though, I see nothing wrong with drinking, I struggle with the culture around booze. I do not mind it in the least when my husband drinks, but I am very much bothered by bar-culture. Honestly, I think women just don’t belong in bars — it’s a place that ought to be reserved exclusively for men, or so it feels to me. But that is another essay for another time!
Back to the point: I know my husband likes me at his side whenever he goes places. However I’ve repeatedly expressed my discomfort to him, and he recognizes it — other women in bars are not polite to me, they are crass and slovenly, and he doesn’t wish for me to be like them. He’s out of place at my sewing circles, and I’m out of place with his guy friends when we’re in a bar. (I’m perfectly content having them all over at our house and feeding them!!)
When it’s polite to do so, I stay home.
It’s much easier to remain home if you’re able to attend other social functions that are more to your liking. You don’t want to be the woman who isolates her family from all social life — if I can advise you to do anything, it would be to actively search out wholesome get-togethers for families. Perhaps your church has some options for you!
You might also consider hosting your own events. You could even invite the same women who attend the socials you don’t like, along with other women. It is surprising how different women can be when on another woman’s turf! I used to host bi-weekly knitting groups in Montana, and I kept the group open to anyone and everyone, and experienced very few issues because women are usually intuitive enough to respect another woman’s ways in her own home. Furthermore, if they have fun, they might instinctively start to “change” a little, and find themselves liking you even more. Over time, I noticed my own guests wearing dresses more often than pants and using fewer and fewer swear words.
Some of the offenses you’re experiencing are easier dealt with in your own home. Even the content of the conversation can be easier to direct in your own home.
Is someone going on and on about how awful their husband or children are? Well, say something nice about one of your children! Some women don’t even mean to speak poorly of their kids, it’s just become habit, and what you say to fill dead-air. You can lead by example — let the “random” things you say be thoughtful and kind.
If the other person just can’t seem to desist denigrating her family, I honestly would politely and calmly say, “Do you think it’s helpful to speak so derogatory about someone you love?” It might terminate the friendship, but sometimes it’s necessary to say true things in order to nip all improper conversations from future interactions. I simply can’t tolerate it when people drone on and on about how awful a loved-one is — although granted, women should feel safe to occasionally vent about their problems among each other. So do tread carefully here. You want the women around you to be able to approach you if they feel stuck in relationship problem with their spouse or children.
In all of this, you don’t want your husband to feel like you’re abandoning him or putting the “needs” of your children and self over his own needs — the need to be seen with his wife at his side. When it’s best to do so, do attend events with him our of respect for his public image. Have conversations with your sons — children are smart and able to discern right from wrong and not so easily “polluted” as we fear they might be, especially if they are surrounded by good examples and love. Also speak honestly with your husband. There’s a good chance he doesn’t always feel the need to attend the parties, or have you a long if he does go. Especially if you are facilitating other family fun for him and the boys and his friends.
I hope this is of some help to you! I really appreciate this question.
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This was a sensible response. You can tolerate a certain amount of social engagements that are not your “ideal crowd” if you are being nourished by good ones.
The worst thing you can do when you’re in an heavily male dominated social environment that has degenerated, is laugh and pretend you don’t mind. Men are absolutely fine with honest feedback, even if they initially react with anger or petulance (usually because they are ashamed). You won’t loose a male friend/aquintence in the same way you’d loose a female friend by saying “no, I don’t think that joke is funny. It’s crass and boring. You’re better than that.” Often within a couple of weeks they are. Especially if you have your husband backing you up.
I’ve done it, in a bar too for good measure. 🙃