The Colors Of My Life

It's my twenty-third birthday today. 

I've decided to write something less angsty than my posts from previous years. 

(I mean, I'm not that angsty anymore, so yeah)

Dreams are meant to be learned and lived, not kept inside your head

1. What do you want? This question has always haunted me, especially when my brain isn't busy doing. Sometimes I'll answer myself. Normally I laugh at myself and start doing something again. What do I want? I want to live life. So, that's what I do. Who needs to know all the finer details? They get ironed out after time if you keep going forward. It's good to have goals (I have lots of those). But some desires are only fulfilled by not thinking and simply living fully.

2. Who are you? I am Keturah, and that's defined by both what I do and think. And all of that has its bitter and sweet moments, sometimes at once. Mostly I laugh at the identity question. For a time it did bother me because society said I must know. But ya know, some things you just know and can't pinpoint that with words. I don't want all my actions to be doubts and questions. So I live and write only the words I know must be written. 

3. Why? Why do I live? Because my heart beats and my lungs breathe. Why do I work? Because I can and it's what I was created to do. Why do I write? For the same reason my heart beats. Why do I let my heart beat? Because I've found it's not good to be all mind and no heart.

4. Or maybe the question is really, Why not? And I have to agree. Why not do all the things I must do? I have no reason not to ... 

   

5. Brown may seem like such an ordinary color, but I love it none the less. I love how it seems to blend in with everything, yet it's one of the richest colors. I think part of its richness is the fact that it accentuates others' 'beauty. 

6. I live a very productive life, but I don't actually have to do anything. I don't have to worry about bills or food or anything. I have no binding commitments to people or careers. And so I asked myself again, why not? I have dreams I've kept since a child, always saying "Maybe someday." But what keeps me from making today that someday? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. 

7. And so I went to my first writers' conference. And then two more. 

8. And so I applied online at several different Au Pair websites. I am going to GERMANY next month! 

   

9. I say green is the magic color because it unites. Brown goes to the background, but green pops out of the background, not because it wants to overpower every other color, but because every color needs it. Green compliments and makes perfect. Green gives life. Green is life. It might not be sparkly and colorful, but it's magical all the same. 

10. I'm not an animal lover, but I've loved some animals. I've had goats, two cats, and a dog. I've saved baby birds. I've rescued turtles. I've loved possums and lizards. Mostly, if an animal is living according to their purpose, I love them. If not ... well, it's like people. Why are you doing nothing???

11. I'm blunt. Some say I'm scary and aggressive. Am I? I think I am. But I'm learning this isn't always bad. I can stand up for those who need it. I do need to be less confrontational ... sometimes. Most of the times, I think it's good to make others' think. Most of the time, I love being outside of the majority. No, I don't hate you ... unless you've given me very good reason to do so. 

12. I don't actually desire to be a leader, though I know I'm called to some sort of such life. It's exhausting. It's lonely. It's ... everything the extroverted, happy side of me doesn't want. But I have a voice, and if I don't use it I know I'll die.

13. I think I'm less extroverted than I was as a trusting child. But I haven't become a complete bitter introvert yet, so all hope isn't lost.

    

14. According to a "legend", I've heard pink was once the boys' color. In the World Wars, when advertisements became popular and companies discovered they could make more money by promoting colors for baby things, they chose pink for the boys (a lesser shade of the violent red) and blue for the girls (a softer flowery color). During the second wave of feminism, feminist claimed pink for themselves, because of it's violent connotations. Since, it's not seen as a girls' color. Though I'm not a feminist, I love this story. Because yeah, pink is just so bluntly vivacious. It's wild and chaotic in all the best feminine ways. It stands out and it adds a bang that you just can't help adoring. 

15. Sometimes I wish I were still naive. But then I can't believe it when I meet others who still are ... What once bothered me doesn't anymore, and I often wonder what it means to be innocent. If it means being blind, I wonder if I like seeing after all? But I don't think I can give up my eyes or my mind, so I'm fated to become less and less naive all my days.

16. I dreamed of having my drivers license for so long. Now that I have it I hate driving. But I love going places, so I haven't returned my license yet. 

17. If you aren't content, there's a reason. Find out that reason, not by trial and error, but with wisdom. Then put in the work, because contentment is that feeling you have at the end of a productive day, not after a silly romance or high moment.

18. Life is doesn't end when you grow old, or when you die. Life is forever, and now is the first step of living that forever.

    

19. Grey (I'm sorry, I'm just not a fan of gray when it comes to colors) is amazing because it's neither black nor white. Yes, I'm a fan of absolute truth, and yes I do not believe in grey-areas. I do believe truth is all the colors of the spectrum .... sometimes there's a third reason, and the first two are both equally wrong. Mostly, I don't like white or black shoes and accessories, because that's what everyone else is wearing. But I still like looking professional at conferences, so I wear grey. 

20. She who doesn't laugh has no hope. It's the best medicine for bitterness.

21. I might be a hippie in spirit, but wow I sure do love a three-course meal and wearing high heels. I really love fancy food and business meetings and courtrooms.

22. I always thought I'd never grow old. You know, because I plan to stay young forever. I'm realizing I'll be old longer than I'll be young. And I'm actually looking forward to it. But now is when I decide how strong and how long I get to be old.

23. Communication is hard. Friends are hard. Life is hard. Dreams are hard. Hard is not bad. But sleeping should still be a priority ... or pretty close to the top of the list.

I dreamed of being every age up until now and afterward. I guess I'm finally leaving those kids years behind? But I don't really think so ;p Because I'm just now starting to feel comfortable in my skin. My skin feels great, but still have to figure out some kinks ;) 

*This post was inspired from posts by Stephanie Morrill, Brian McBride, and Phoebe Ross.**Excepting the one picture of me in each collage and the words, the images in the collages are from Canva and Unsplash.