Twenty-Two and Smiling

I turned twenty-two yesterday.

I feel as if I've dropped twenty years these last couple months, if you are wondering if I feel any older.
I believe I shall be Forever Young. 

I have three words I love to over use in my writing. Mostly because I feel they describe my hopes and desires to a t.
But. . . these words keep growing for me, in me.
Encourage, Edify, Entertain

I've changed a lot since . . . Forever? Or have I changed . . . is it simply developing in the directions I've chosen despite what life has thrown at me?

I have moved a lot. I have hated a lot (not saying this is good).
I have laughed a lot (this is mostly good . . . maybe not the times I laughed because of mean pranks I committed or to hide away the pain I truly felt ;b).
I have had a lot of friends (yay!). 
And I have lost a ton of friends (not so yay).
I have said I'd never love. And then I loved way too much . . . only to have my heart broken. But, man, did I learn a lot through that. And still am learning from that . . .

I've learned that identity doesn't matter. That it's modern self-love propaganda. True identity is my name and what I like. I've found saying things like "I don't know myself," is foolish. Because . . . when I ask "who am I?" I'm looking at me way too hard and not nearly enough at the rest of the world, and especially not hard enough at God. No, identity searching is really stupid, because if I don't know who I am I should just check my birth certificate. If I still don't know who I am I should probably be sent to a mental institution. After that I should just stop caring about who I am and start doing something worthwhile. 

No, what matters is what am I doing and who am I loving.

I am twenty-two and I feel I've just learned to breathe in the last six months. It's the best feeling I've ever known.

Complete satisfaction in everything. Who I am (I focus on me less), what I do (just love it all even if I don't!), where I am going (even though I still don't know half the time).

And I have this sense of joy that no matter how many more bad things may happen in the rest of my life I'll always own this deep peace stemmed from utter satisfaction.

Pain, physical or emotional, may come. But that won't determine my satisfaction.

Disappointment and tears will return once more than I want. But nothing can erase the deep smile I own.

Life may slap me, rip me, destroy me. But inside I'll be full of Yahweh's peace.
I may lose everything I love. I may have my heart broken again. I may be betrayed by those I thought I could trust. Loved ones may die. I may find I'm living where I don't want to be. I may find that my work isn't ideal. I may have to deal with those I consider stupid idiots. 
I may become uncertain of which path I should take.

All of those are mere irritations. Tests to work through. But none of them will ever again control how I feel, who I am, or destroy the satisfied joy I own.

Pain. It is hard.

But for once in my life I am thankful I've had it.

And though I never saw myself where I am today, I love where Yahweh has lead me.

And this is seriously the happiest birthday I've ever had! I remember having really good birthdays age nine and under, but after that . . .

I feel like a child again:

Carefree, complete, called.

Most of all, I feel prepared and equipped to be true to the three words God gave me: edify, encourage, entertain.

I know He will help my words do all three to others even as His words have done and continue to do all three for me.

I continue to evaluate what these three words mean. How they interact in all I do, say, write, read, see, watch . . . you get the picture.

I love to learn. I love to be inspired. I love to laugh. 

So why wouldn't I love these words and want to share them to their full potential? And reap their full potential for myself?

I feel this post was really random. But sometimes happiness appears random. Especially when one lone, broken-but-now-whole idiot dances in a dark world full of stupid idiots. I'm not denying that the world is still full of horrible people doing horrible things.

They just can't kill the satisfaction.

Terrible and wonderful things are constantly happening in my life, and always will. But instead of being dragged down by all of the things I hate I'm being amazed at all the ways I'm being blessed. And wow . . . the more I look, the more I choose, the more I am truly blessed.

More on that soon ;D



Tell me your thoughts! How has life changed for you? Do you strive for satisfaction or identity? And did this post make any sense?

My four year blogiversary is coming up, and I've decided to break from my mold and follow the flow ;) How does a vlog sound with me answering questions you've asked? 
So, ask away and I'll try to make my first vlog for you guys!