As a person who grew up secular and became religious later, I have often felt very conflicted about discussing modesty with others, including most of my family members who remain secular. When they accompany me to church, which I encourage, I have become pretty specific about what most people wear even though there is not a defined dress code. Still, though, I have the relative who will show up in a short skirt, which for her is actually a big deal because she normally just wears pajamas. To her, this is what "dressed up" means, and she would be confused because sure it's well above the knee but it's not a micro mini, and this is the kind of thing her boss wears to work (we have had this conversation, and she is just so conditioned to think my only reasoning *must* be about shame, rather than privacy and avoiding distraction).
I really do think many girls and women just have no idea to what extent their clothing speaks for them, and if you're not used to paying attention to these things it is a hard adjustment (it was for me, and I was never a flashy dresser even before my conversion!) "Pretty" and "sexy" are synonymous to a lot of people (even though I think a lot of "sexy" clothes are horribly unflattering on most body types, even for people in good health.) I couldn't imagine trying to discuss this with a stranger or someone I only vaguely know.
Yes, it's such a difficult thing! However you're right to point out that sometimes we do have the authority to advise our relatives or friends to dress a certain way. For example, I tell my friends that if they want to visit my Amish friends with me that they MUST wear a long dress past their knees. They always respond well, and often afterward they start to think, "Perhaps it is prettier to be modest." I have a lot of secular friends who have started wearing long dresses regularly because of my example. But yes -- women don't change from unsolicited condemnation.
Yes, I have observed that too. When discussing with secular friends and family I often lean on the practical aspects - I mostly wear skirts and dresses because they're friendlier to the changing female body. I never have to worry about wardrobe malfunctions (or sunburn in weird places). I don't have to contemplate endless options while I shop. Now that I'm used to it, I think about my clothing less than ever, but almost always look well put together. That's a nice kind of female liberation!!
Yes! It's funny, even if I've spent all day working in the garden or hauling brush, and even if my skirts are torn or dirt-stained, I'll get compliments. One just looks nicer and like they put more effort into their outfit even if in reality I put no thought into it!
Once, I was at the beach with a friend. Not sure of y'all's takes on swim suits, but I personally wear a knee-length swim skort and a swim tank top. This feels modest and cute to me even though next to my friend, who wears triangle bikinis, it looks frumpy to others. Anyways, after we were there for some time, she put on a big T-shirt over her swim suit and got back in the water like that. I still don't know whether she felt convicted, or just felt bad for me. Either way she covered up! Leading by example is a woman's most powerful tool.
Thank you! And usually men are most attracted to the woman who wears more because she is fascinating to him. This isn't always true, but I've found it to be most often true!
In my Orthodox church if someone is inappropriately dressed then the Deacon’s wife usually talks with them. Generally, they don’t say much to an inquirer until they become a catechumen and then go through the journey to baptism and reception.
As a person who grew up secular and became religious later, I have often felt very conflicted about discussing modesty with others, including most of my family members who remain secular. When they accompany me to church, which I encourage, I have become pretty specific about what most people wear even though there is not a defined dress code. Still, though, I have the relative who will show up in a short skirt, which for her is actually a big deal because she normally just wears pajamas. To her, this is what "dressed up" means, and she would be confused because sure it's well above the knee but it's not a micro mini, and this is the kind of thing her boss wears to work (we have had this conversation, and she is just so conditioned to think my only reasoning *must* be about shame, rather than privacy and avoiding distraction).
I really do think many girls and women just have no idea to what extent their clothing speaks for them, and if you're not used to paying attention to these things it is a hard adjustment (it was for me, and I was never a flashy dresser even before my conversion!) "Pretty" and "sexy" are synonymous to a lot of people (even though I think a lot of "sexy" clothes are horribly unflattering on most body types, even for people in good health.) I couldn't imagine trying to discuss this with a stranger or someone I only vaguely know.
Yes, it's such a difficult thing! However you're right to point out that sometimes we do have the authority to advise our relatives or friends to dress a certain way. For example, I tell my friends that if they want to visit my Amish friends with me that they MUST wear a long dress past their knees. They always respond well, and often afterward they start to think, "Perhaps it is prettier to be modest." I have a lot of secular friends who have started wearing long dresses regularly because of my example. But yes -- women don't change from unsolicited condemnation.
Yes, I have observed that too. When discussing with secular friends and family I often lean on the practical aspects - I mostly wear skirts and dresses because they're friendlier to the changing female body. I never have to worry about wardrobe malfunctions (or sunburn in weird places). I don't have to contemplate endless options while I shop. Now that I'm used to it, I think about my clothing less than ever, but almost always look well put together. That's a nice kind of female liberation!!
Yes! It's funny, even if I've spent all day working in the garden or hauling brush, and even if my skirts are torn or dirt-stained, I'll get compliments. One just looks nicer and like they put more effort into their outfit even if in reality I put no thought into it!
These were all answered especially beautifully <3
Once, I was at the beach with a friend. Not sure of y'all's takes on swim suits, but I personally wear a knee-length swim skort and a swim tank top. This feels modest and cute to me even though next to my friend, who wears triangle bikinis, it looks frumpy to others. Anyways, after we were there for some time, she put on a big T-shirt over her swim suit and got back in the water like that. I still don't know whether she felt convicted, or just felt bad for me. Either way she covered up! Leading by example is a woman's most powerful tool.
Thank you! And usually men are most attracted to the woman who wears more because she is fascinating to him. This isn't always true, but I've found it to be most often true!
Great article.
In my Orthodox church if someone is inappropriately dressed then the Deacon’s wife usually talks with them. Generally, they don’t say much to an inquirer until they become a catechumen and then go through the journey to baptism and reception.