Manners and Morals: 004

How To Publicly Admonish One's Younger Siblings

Manners and Morals is a series in which “Polite Company” readers have the opportunity to send me their questions and have them answered anonymously via an essay. If you have a pressing concern or curiosity about some interpersonal or theoretical drama, feel free to email me at keturahskorner(at)gmail(dot)com. Your information will remain confidential!

The Elder Sister (1869) by William-Adolphe Bouguereau

Dear Keturah,

As the eldest daughter, I trust you will have a very informed answer:

Suppose a family has 5-7 children. The youngest are in grade school and still learning to read. The eldest is college-age. Her parents, who both work outside the home, entrust the keeping of the home and education of the children to this daughter, at her request. She doesn't want them to have to hire an unfamiliar babysitter or put the children in the public school system. Additionally, the girl loves teaching and caring for her siblings.

Now, the parents have a limited amount of time with their children, and as a result, they often overlook their misbehavior in favor of keeping the peace. Sometimes, they are simply too exhausted to notice a child being unruly, let alone to correct them.

In polite company, when the children are playing with other children, the eldest daughter is usually the one to notice when her siblings aren't playing a game fairly, or are speaking hatefully to one another. She is embarrassed that they seem to have no upbringing. Each of them behave selfishly and are bossy.

So, when this girl catches her brother lying to another child, or her sister behaving provocatively towards an older boy, or one sister speaking harshly to another sister, is it improper for her to bring this to her parents in front of the other adults (the parents often do nothing to correct the child anyway)? Should the girl correct them herself, like she does at home? Or does this look like she is usurping her parents' authority?

There is clearly a greater family dynamic problem here, as the children are not being trained by their parents. But from a purely etiquette standpoint, what should the young lady do in the company of other families with young children?

The majority of modern people are unable to understand large-family dynamics. They believe that the act of child-rearing is the sole obligation of the parents (or mother), and that neither the grandparents, nor the aunts and uncles, nor the cousins, nor any other relative or female friend ought to have much authority over the children. Even teachers are permitted very little leeway with their students. Of course, the idea of older siblings assisting with and disciplining younger siblings is quite unpopular in the 21st century.

In August of 2024, I tweeted the image in this essay along with the words:

“I think it's sad that this painting won't resonate with most modern first-world firstborn women. Either they never had a sibling to care for, or if they did, the mother was convinced it would harm her daughter to do too much”

The tweet ignited 33k views and a volley of sweet sentiment and vitriol. Many oldest daughters responded that their little siblings had been like their first children and prepared them for the joys and griefs of motherhood. For they had experienced a sort of grief that all mothers eventually experience when it’s time for their children to leave the nest . . . the grief of leaving your sibling when it’s time for you to leave your first family. Other women responded to the contrary, speaking of trauma and bitterness. These women were not happy women, but angry with the world and seemed almost hateful at the idea of having to help with anyone’s needs other than their own. And of course there were many who had never been an oldest daughter, and who had never had any true responsibility until they’d birthed their first child, and who were further horrified at the idea of siblings half-raising younger siblings. Generally, most people do not comprehend at all. And I’m not sure there’s a way to make other people understand these sorts of things.

I remember when I was younger, maybe sixteen, and we were at church, and I was correcting a sibling for poor behavior. My friend, a pastor’s daughter, looked at me horrified. “She is your sibling, not your child.”

She gave me this lecture about how inappropriate it was, and how I should bring the child to my mother instead of disciplining it myself.

I sputtered, taken aback. “But why? This is how our family — all large families that I know, do it. There are too many of us for our mother to do everything herself.”

She was adamant, though. And I realized that we were simply from different eras. She was born fully into this progressive age where the state might raise a child, but the village does not. I let her tell me how horrid I was for caring for my siblings so that the conversation might drop. However, I continued to watch over and care for my siblings.

This is simply how it will have to be for you, too.

I’ve learned that few church communities actually understand the tradition of child-rearing, which up unto recently has always involved older sisters becoming a sort of second mother. I half suspect that the TradCath community is one of the few that do, along with Amish and certain extra-fundamental Baptist type communities.

Growing up my relatives and various friends often told my mother, “Oh, why does she help so much? You aren’t allowing her to have a childhood!”

This was honestly ridiculous. I had a childhood, and I had my fair share of care-free moments. I also had obligations, and these did me no harm. I had eleven younger siblings, and I learned to potty-train, to discipline, and to instruct them in their phonetics and arithmetic lessons. What I learned has prepared me so that I feel intuitively ready to birth babies. I am not in the dark about it like many girls might be. I know some of what awaits me, and I know to be neither naive nor fearful.

Ignore the naysayers when they infer that you have had your youth stolen from you by your siblings. I’m sure you’ve had ample time to sow all the wild oats you want. And when one has learned to be responsible in one way, they’re often more diligent to their hobbies, passions, and goals than perhaps someone who had fewer duties might be.

You’re going to have to ask yourself what is more important — the uniformed judgement of those who do not understand your family dynamics, or the souls of your siblings. If you have authority over your siblings at home when you’re parents are around, you have that same authority in public despite the opinions of others. So, yes: correct and admonish your siblings in kindness, humility, and love. Do so quietly, and with as little drama as possible. Be stern and exacting, however try not to shame your siblings if it can be helped. They are your first-children, and as an oldest sister it is your duty to act as is proper for a young mother to act.

As far as there being “clearly a greater family dynamic problem here”, I wouldn’t worry about that. All families have problems, and large families are no exceptions. However the need for you to help with your siblings is not at all a dysfunction. It is actually the sign of a well-ordered family, for it is not good nor healthy for a mother to be raising her children without the help of other women. Until recent times a mother always had the help of other female relatives, servants, nurses, governesses, au pairs, and her eldest daughters.

I’ll leave you with one last recommendation: the book “Towers in the Mist” by Elizabeth Goudge. It is an endearing novel about a sixteen year old girl who raises her seven siblings on her own, and it is set during the sixteenth century. I’ve just recently discovered that it is number two in a series about Cathedrals. However, I’ve read the third and second book both independently of each and years apart other without realizing they were a part of series, and I have yet to read the first book. I think you would enjoy it.

I would also recommend that you read books on parenting since it seems you are already doing it to a degree. It will guide you in how to be principled when you speak to your brother about lying, or your sister about her provocative behavior, or your other sister about her harsh demeanor. One such book that I read when I was your age was “How to Train up Your Child” by Michael and Debi Pearl. It is a controversial book, but I think you’ll be wise enough to get what’s good out of it and leave the rest.

The book “Wounded By Love” by St. Porphyrios has an excellent section on child-rearing and prayer. I’ll summarize its main points: in all things, act in silence with love and prayer. Do not be possessive of your children. Their mistakes are not a sign of their bad behavior, but of your failure to be prayerful. Pray for them and allow them to grow up.

And another snippet of advice from Edith Stein’s essays, summarized: Every woman is both a mother and a wife. She imitates Christ best when she imitates Mary, who is the example for all women on how to become like Christ. We are shown how to be both help-meet and mother through Mary’s redemption of Eve and love for her son. No matter if you are married or a virgin, we can learn how to be better wives and mothers by looking to the woman who was both a virgin, spouse, and mother.

I hope what I’ve shared here will be of some help to you!!

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