“Parentification” is something I’ve thought about a lot with my own kids. I personally think older children should be very involved with their younger siblings, and help a lot, without replacing their parents. But there are a LOT of formerly fundamentalist Christian people out there who are bitter about having to help with their siblings, and frankly I struggle to understand why. Is it just selfishness? Or were they genuinely abused?
I think inconsistency with how the parents run the home can really influence how the child feels about helping out. There's less bitterness if the rules aren't always changing. However it's also a choice. And of course much limelight is given to any fundamental christian who wants to talk about how awful their upbringing and responsibilities were, but very little is given to those who didn't feel that way. I know both sorts! IF there is love between the siblings, I don't think there's a lot of room left for resentment either, even if there are seasons of it.
As an eldest daughter who has felt parentified, I can speak to the fact that it was primarily due to inconsistency from my parents. As an older tween and throughout my teens, I was expected to manage my younger siblings but as time went on they listened less and less. There was definitely not a lot of love between my siblings and I.
The entire time my parents held me to the standard that I was still responsible to pseudo-parent, and for what I needed to take care of at home, without any kind of backing of authority or privileges. I relate strongly to the recognition of "eldest daughter syndrome," or the joke "Happy Mother's Day to all eldest daughters of immigrant families!" I'm not from a Christian family either, but it seems that this is a phenomenon across many cultures.
Yes, and also there are seasons. There was about two years where I decided to leave home deciding I had helped out enough. I have mixed feelings about that now! It was time for me to go, but it was hard for my little siblings, and I was too young to appreciate how much I'd learned and the gift I'd been given in being able to understand how to do certain things. I now have friends who are young mothers who are asking me, "How do I potty train a child" or "how do you deal with a child who's had a blow-out in their diaper" or "how to discipline in this circumstance". Things that feel intuitive to me are only that way because I was immersed in baby rearing. After a couple year break, I'm able to look back at my childhood with much gratitude. I'd advise any young woman is is bitter toward how she was raised to first take a short break from her situation. It might be the only way she is able to see all the good that was truly afforded to her!
I could also advise "Little Women" and all additional books by Louisa May Alcott, "Swiss Family Robinson" (make sure it's original and unabridged) by Johann David Wyss, and the Curdie novels, plus "The Wise Woman" by George MacDonald.
It seems perfectly natural to me for older siblings to help out with the younger ones. I don't come from a big family, just two siblings, a brother and sister, but they are nine and twelve years older than me, respectively. My sister was starting her senior year of high school when I was just entering kindergarten and she was a second mother to me in a lot of ways: looking after me when my parents went out, cooking for me, buying clothes for me (she even picked out my outfit for my first day of kindergarten, ha).
I was her little tagalong when she hung out with her friends, and I don't ever recall her being bothered by my presence, and her female friends all adored me, never gave her grief over my coming along with them. My nephew recently commented to her that her being like a mother to me when we were young must be why she was such a good mother when she finally had her own kids. We might've been at the tail end of what appears to be a bygone era.
I am the eldest of three children, so my experience is much different than yours—your story here is amazing!—but I will say that I certainly had motherly instincts and impulses towards my brother, the youngest sibling, that my sister, the middle sibling, did not share. I see this now with my daughter, who is only 3.5, but who very much acts like a little mama to her 1.5 year old sister, offering to change her wet diapers and to hold her when she’s sad. These are different impulses than what my oldest child, a 5.5 year old boy, shows to his sisters; even though there is a lot of tenderness there, it’s different.
That is all to say that I think some of this is natural, and because God is in the details, surely, it is no accident that some babies come before others. My hope is to provide the framework for stability, order, predictability that a mother and homemaker can offer so that then, my older children can learn to humbly and generously serve their younger siblings, and the younger ones can learn to accept that love and to integrate themselves into our family hierarchy with grace and humility.
I am one of 10, although I am number 8 so there are only 2 below me and actually a few big age gaps, so my older siblings had mostly left home by the time I was growing up. But my sister who is 9 years younger than me was absolutely like my first baby. And she still comes to me for advice today at age 20.
My family was never Christian(we grew up in a Liberal commune) but older children, not even just siblings, were in my experience almost always naturally inclined to help the younger children without much prompting.
That painting stirs a very warm sensation in my heart ❤️
So wise and so well said. As the mother of a larger family, my older daughters were invaluable to me in the care and instruction of the younger children. In our family, the little ones were not permitted to tyrannize the older, but the older were allowed to direct and discipline the littles as needed. They may not have always exercised perfect judgements, but neither do parents.
“Parentification” is something I’ve thought about a lot with my own kids. I personally think older children should be very involved with their younger siblings, and help a lot, without replacing their parents. But there are a LOT of formerly fundamentalist Christian people out there who are bitter about having to help with their siblings, and frankly I struggle to understand why. Is it just selfishness? Or were they genuinely abused?
I think inconsistency with how the parents run the home can really influence how the child feels about helping out. There's less bitterness if the rules aren't always changing. However it's also a choice. And of course much limelight is given to any fundamental christian who wants to talk about how awful their upbringing and responsibilities were, but very little is given to those who didn't feel that way. I know both sorts! IF there is love between the siblings, I don't think there's a lot of room left for resentment either, even if there are seasons of it.
As an eldest daughter who has felt parentified, I can speak to the fact that it was primarily due to inconsistency from my parents. As an older tween and throughout my teens, I was expected to manage my younger siblings but as time went on they listened less and less. There was definitely not a lot of love between my siblings and I.
The entire time my parents held me to the standard that I was still responsible to pseudo-parent, and for what I needed to take care of at home, without any kind of backing of authority or privileges. I relate strongly to the recognition of "eldest daughter syndrome," or the joke "Happy Mother's Day to all eldest daughters of immigrant families!" I'm not from a Christian family either, but it seems that this is a phenomenon across many cultures.
Yes, and also there are seasons. There was about two years where I decided to leave home deciding I had helped out enough. I have mixed feelings about that now! It was time for me to go, but it was hard for my little siblings, and I was too young to appreciate how much I'd learned and the gift I'd been given in being able to understand how to do certain things. I now have friends who are young mothers who are asking me, "How do I potty train a child" or "how do you deal with a child who's had a blow-out in their diaper" or "how to discipline in this circumstance". Things that feel intuitive to me are only that way because I was immersed in baby rearing. After a couple year break, I'm able to look back at my childhood with much gratitude. I'd advise any young woman is is bitter toward how she was raised to first take a short break from her situation. It might be the only way she is able to see all the good that was truly afforded to her!
I could also advise "Little Women" and all additional books by Louisa May Alcott, "Swiss Family Robinson" (make sure it's original and unabridged) by Johann David Wyss, and the Curdie novels, plus "The Wise Woman" by George MacDonald.
So. Much. Wisdom. And. Modeling.
Love the Wise Woman by George Mad Donald (and the rest of those recommendations too!!)
It seems perfectly natural to me for older siblings to help out with the younger ones. I don't come from a big family, just two siblings, a brother and sister, but they are nine and twelve years older than me, respectively. My sister was starting her senior year of high school when I was just entering kindergarten and she was a second mother to me in a lot of ways: looking after me when my parents went out, cooking for me, buying clothes for me (she even picked out my outfit for my first day of kindergarten, ha).
I was her little tagalong when she hung out with her friends, and I don't ever recall her being bothered by my presence, and her female friends all adored me, never gave her grief over my coming along with them. My nephew recently commented to her that her being like a mother to me when we were young must be why she was such a good mother when she finally had her own kids. We might've been at the tail end of what appears to be a bygone era.
I am the eldest of three children, so my experience is much different than yours—your story here is amazing!—but I will say that I certainly had motherly instincts and impulses towards my brother, the youngest sibling, that my sister, the middle sibling, did not share. I see this now with my daughter, who is only 3.5, but who very much acts like a little mama to her 1.5 year old sister, offering to change her wet diapers and to hold her when she’s sad. These are different impulses than what my oldest child, a 5.5 year old boy, shows to his sisters; even though there is a lot of tenderness there, it’s different.
That is all to say that I think some of this is natural, and because God is in the details, surely, it is no accident that some babies come before others. My hope is to provide the framework for stability, order, predictability that a mother and homemaker can offer so that then, my older children can learn to humbly and generously serve their younger siblings, and the younger ones can learn to accept that love and to integrate themselves into our family hierarchy with grace and humility.
I love this theme! And your thoughts on it.
I am one of 10, although I am number 8 so there are only 2 below me and actually a few big age gaps, so my older siblings had mostly left home by the time I was growing up. But my sister who is 9 years younger than me was absolutely like my first baby. And she still comes to me for advice today at age 20.
My family was never Christian(we grew up in a Liberal commune) but older children, not even just siblings, were in my experience almost always naturally inclined to help the younger children without much prompting.
That painting stirs a very warm sensation in my heart ❤️
So wise and so well said. As the mother of a larger family, my older daughters were invaluable to me in the care and instruction of the younger children. In our family, the little ones were not permitted to tyrannize the older, but the older were allowed to direct and discipline the littles as needed. They may not have always exercised perfect judgements, but neither do parents.
So much gold here. Thank you, Keturah.